marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
