FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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