turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
