Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
