hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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