My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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