can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
