her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
