if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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