Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
