Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
