bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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