You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
