hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
