I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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