So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
