Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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