i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
