the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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