Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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