You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
