problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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