I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
