I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
