She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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