just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
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And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
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Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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