I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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