Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
