i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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