I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
