I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
