All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
