those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
