happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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