I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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