put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We need to get me chipped asap
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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