Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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