Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
