I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
high people should be assigned attendants
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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