mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
