If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
