I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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