Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
