I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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