the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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