apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
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i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
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I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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