Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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