i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
