So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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