your parents love me but you hate me
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
