Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
