I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
