i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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