just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
