you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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