god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
