I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
