You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
