Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???